Guilt

Today. I feel guilty. I'm not good with guilt at the best of times... But worse when i feel low. I have an insane guilt complex going on. Truly insane. It doesn't matter if something happened years ago... I will regularly feel guilty for it regardless. I can feel it sat there now. Like a large lead weight in my stomach, it hurts me so much that i never want to see another soul again... That i want to brick myself into a room and stay there forever... Never leaving. Not doing anything But sleeping till i rot away hidden from sight. I want to rip it out and throw it away... But nothing i do gets rid of it or abates it... It lurks like venom in the blood, poisoning me slowly till i feel like i can't breathe... And all i want to do is beg for mercy and hope it comes... Eventually. After a room while,guilt, like a wrestler who has pinned me to the ground, gets up... And walks away. Mocking me as it does... Letting me know he'll be back to punish me more later... To again push me till i weep with regret. The aftermath of a brush with guilt leaves me mentally and physically drained. And this would be when the fear takes its turn to descend. Lurking in the dark, flitting round the corners of my mind, teasing me shamelessly. Mocking me. You're nearly 25 kate... And name one thing that's going right... No career, no partner, no love, a tentative grip on a property which feels more like an anchor weighing me down than a hope for my future. I fight so hard and yet like quicksand the fear only sucks me deeper with each move i make. Filling my mouth, my nose my eyes my ears and finally my heart and soul and at that point i can't fight anymore. My feeble attempts at everything destroyed by the creature within.

99 purple marks, messing up my pale white skin

Ok. So maybe not 99... but Damn I have bruises at the moment. I have been counting them this morning (whilst trying to avoid the post party clean up) and bloody nora.... I have 9 that I can see, along with the scars on my knees, bottom etc I actually look like I've recently been involved in some giant punch up. Which I don't remember but frankly is highly possible seeing as my memories of previous night are still.... non existant (for the record have hopefully sorted all the issues..... hopefully... YAY).

The rather gleeful thing about today is I feel fine. I could have gone to work. But I'm not going to. because I have already booked it off! Which is brilliant because having already had the weekend it now feels like I have another weekend to play with! WOOT! I have so far cleared the floor of my living room which involved hunting rogue flumps, emptying plastic cups and herdin g the balloons into a corner. I'm currently debating whether or not to leave the Craig David and Ricky Martin posters up on the wall?!?! Hmmm.... maybe....

Anyway...tonight is Natalie P4U's leaving do apparently. Part of me doesn't want to go as I feel I shouldn't be drinking anytime soon, plus post party I'm poor and can't really afford to do anything, but then it's been a while since I've been out with the P4u lot so... bum it I can always go and come home early. Yes.... think that's what I'll do! So yeah.... another night out for Kate. I also need to start hunting for gear for the hen night of Miss Burden. Which is in July.... which therefore sounds a long way off but is only actually one pay day.... So one pay day to locate some kind of corsetry.... I may just wear my PVC dress however... in which case I need something to twin it with... *thinks hard*

3 day week this week... BLISS!!!

I need to prep myself for the next few weekends as well. Basically I have planned to go to Grimsby next weekend to visit the mother ship and present myself for birthday viewing. As well as to devliver my younger siblings birthday presents. I wish I had something truly awesome to give her but.... she's so hard to bloody buy for! The following weekend she may be coming to visit me here in sheffield. which should be interesting. And then the weekend aftyer that I intend to visit my Dad in.... whereever he has gone. Near Settle somewhere I think. So much busyness.... At some point I'm also meant to be going down to London to the Opera with my auntie. Which will be my second Operatic excursion and I'm really looking forward to it... May have to leave it a few weeks yet tho as haven't a clue what my days off will be like post "Grad Bay". I want to go to the theatre too... and to see Spamalot. So may have to venture down south a couple of times this year!!!

Excitement!