Guilt

Today. I feel guilty. I'm not good with guilt at the best of times... But worse when i feel low. I have an insane guilt complex going on. Truly insane. It doesn't matter if something happened years ago... I will regularly feel guilty for it regardless. I can feel it sat there now. Like a large lead weight in my stomach, it hurts me so much that i never want to see another soul again... That i want to brick myself into a room and stay there forever... Never leaving. Not doing anything But sleeping till i rot away hidden from sight. I want to rip it out and throw it away... But nothing i do gets rid of it or abates it... It lurks like venom in the blood, poisoning me slowly till i feel like i can't breathe... And all i want to do is beg for mercy and hope it comes... Eventually. After a room while,guilt, like a wrestler who has pinned me to the ground, gets up... And walks away. Mocking me as it does... Letting me know he'll be back to punish me more later... To again push me till i weep with regret. The aftermath of a brush with guilt leaves me mentally and physically drained. And this would be when the fear takes its turn to descend. Lurking in the dark, flitting round the corners of my mind, teasing me shamelessly. Mocking me. You're nearly 25 kate... And name one thing that's going right... No career, no partner, no love, a tentative grip on a property which feels more like an anchor weighing me down than a hope for my future. I fight so hard and yet like quicksand the fear only sucks me deeper with each move i make. Filling my mouth, my nose my eyes my ears and finally my heart and soul and at that point i can't fight anymore. My feeble attempts at everything destroyed by the creature within.