Guilt

Today. I feel guilty. I'm not good with guilt at the best of times... But worse when i feel low. I have an insane guilt complex going on. Truly insane. It doesn't matter if something happened years ago... I will regularly feel guilty for it regardless. I can feel it sat there now. Like a large lead weight in my stomach, it hurts me so much that i never want to see another soul again... That i want to brick myself into a room and stay there forever... Never leaving. Not doing anything But sleeping till i rot away hidden from sight. I want to rip it out and throw it away... But nothing i do gets rid of it or abates it... It lurks like venom in the blood, poisoning me slowly till i feel like i can't breathe... And all i want to do is beg for mercy and hope it comes... Eventually. After a room while,guilt, like a wrestler who has pinned me to the ground, gets up... And walks away. Mocking me as it does... Letting me know he'll be back to punish me more later... To again push me till i weep with regret. The aftermath of a brush with guilt leaves me mentally and physically drained. And this would be when the fear takes its turn to descend. Lurking in the dark, flitting round the corners of my mind, teasing me shamelessly. Mocking me. You're nearly 25 kate... And name one thing that's going right... No career, no partner, no love, a tentative grip on a property which feels more like an anchor weighing me down than a hope for my future. I fight so hard and yet like quicksand the fear only sucks me deeper with each move i make. Filling my mouth, my nose my eyes my ears and finally my heart and soul and at that point i can't fight anymore. My feeble attempts at everything destroyed by the creature within.

99 purple marks, messing up my pale white skin

Ok. So maybe not 99... but Damn I have bruises at the moment. I have been counting them this morning (whilst trying to avoid the post party clean up) and bloody nora.... I have 9 that I can see, along with the scars on my knees, bottom etc I actually look like I've recently been involved in some giant punch up. Which I don't remember but frankly is highly possible seeing as my memories of previous night are still.... non existant (for the record have hopefully sorted all the issues..... hopefully... YAY).

The rather gleeful thing about today is I feel fine. I could have gone to work. But I'm not going to. because I have already booked it off! Which is brilliant because having already had the weekend it now feels like I have another weekend to play with! WOOT! I have so far cleared the floor of my living room which involved hunting rogue flumps, emptying plastic cups and herdin g the balloons into a corner. I'm currently debating whether or not to leave the Craig David and Ricky Martin posters up on the wall?!?! Hmmm.... maybe....

Anyway...tonight is Natalie P4U's leaving do apparently. Part of me doesn't want to go as I feel I shouldn't be drinking anytime soon, plus post party I'm poor and can't really afford to do anything, but then it's been a while since I've been out with the P4u lot so... bum it I can always go and come home early. Yes.... think that's what I'll do! So yeah.... another night out for Kate. I also need to start hunting for gear for the hen night of Miss Burden. Which is in July.... which therefore sounds a long way off but is only actually one pay day.... So one pay day to locate some kind of corsetry.... I may just wear my PVC dress however... in which case I need something to twin it with... *thinks hard*

3 day week this week... BLISS!!!

I need to prep myself for the next few weekends as well. Basically I have planned to go to Grimsby next weekend to visit the mother ship and present myself for birthday viewing. As well as to devliver my younger siblings birthday presents. I wish I had something truly awesome to give her but.... she's so hard to bloody buy for! The following weekend she may be coming to visit me here in sheffield. which should be interesting. And then the weekend aftyer that I intend to visit my Dad in.... whereever he has gone. Near Settle somewhere I think. So much busyness.... At some point I'm also meant to be going down to London to the Opera with my auntie. Which will be my second Operatic excursion and I'm really looking forward to it... May have to leave it a few weeks yet tho as haven't a clue what my days off will be like post "Grad Bay". I want to go to the theatre too... and to see Spamalot. So may have to venture down south a couple of times this year!!!

Excitement!

How to lose friends and alienate yourself

Well, today I feel terrible. Not least because I am basically a sack of varying alcoholic beverages on legs combined with a bit of chocolate cake.

My birthday weekend... for the first bit went well. My fears of people not coming were unfounded and we had full turn out for the sleepover. I got lots of lovely gifts which were unexpected really as I didn't intend for people to bring anything other than themselves.... And because everyone pretty much brought some alcohol with them... I now have a fridge full of wine etc. Usually this would be a great thing... However I think I'm swearing off the old vino for a bit because I'm a twat.... more to come on that later.

We played dream phone.... did flames (ha ha ha) to varying degrees of success as it appears to be complicated to explain and played atmosphere. We also had Rainbow Dust eating competitions, flump eating ones and made a variety of interesting drinks! All in all A great night full of mucking about like teenagers again, we even had posters of Geri Halliwell and Craig David up for authenticity!

Following that we got up the next day, ate crumpets and went into city for a shop and a wander before coming back to rather lately get ready.

I have decided that I drink too much... I could write about hwat happened on the night out. But seeing as I remember nothing about it.... whats the point! All i know is I made a tit of myself. Completely. I think the nerves of the groups of people meeting got the better of me... I kno thats why I intentionally got the shots going straight away. Beyond that.... well... *shrugs*

All I know is that my very best friend was offended.... my best friend in sheffield isn't talking to me and my friend who travelled over 250 miles to be here was also incredibly pissed off with me. Good going me! I don't know how to put it right... because other than morphing into uber bitch I haven't a clue what I really did. Since I put them all on a train earlier I've pretty much cried non stop. I ruined my own birthday celebrations. I feel like shit. And the friendships that mean the World to me are pretty much in tatters. I have no way of making amends. Even if I am forgiven it will not be forgotten and what worries me is that things will never be the same again. What upsets me most is... that isn't me. I'm not a bitch... not really... yeah I can sometimes be a bit of a cow with people that I don't like and I sometimes struggle with new people. But it's not me. Is it? I hope not.

So for the time being I have sworn off alcohol... which is probably a good idea anyway as I have been drinking a lot recently and at stupid times... i.e 10.30 am... and drinking on my own.... Which I've been putting down to stress ( also found 3 grey hairs recently wich is either very worrying or does indicate stress) but no more excuses.

I wish I could rewind time. I think I'm going to go to bed now and cry... a bit more.

Party Time Countdown and Time Travel.

So.... i read the Time Travellers Wife. So... Wow. Seriously. I am now.... obsessed.

For those of you who have never read or heard of the book... go out and buy it! Basically it's about a couple. Clare and Henry. Henry involuntarily time travels. Clare stays put. There is 8 years of age between them, but Clare first meets henry when he travel's back in time and bumps into her at age 6, whereas he is in his 40's. He first meets her, when he is 28 and she is 20.

BAsically the upshot is that early on in life she works out that Henry is "her" guy. And every now and then she gets hints about the future and what it will hold. I am so friggin jealous. I would love to see myself in ten years. Am I still fat? Have I got kids? Am I married? Do I own a nice house and drive a nice car, or am I renting in some shit hole? Just to know. Sigh.... Wow.... Brilliantly amazing. I have very little patience it should be pointed out. I want everything right this second now.... and I want to play out my entire life in maybe a 3 hour stint. SO I get it all.

On another note.... how many random times can Will Smith pop up on my TV in one day? Seriously.... this is about the eighth time hes popped up today all in different programs... freaky. I think Will Smith is stalking me. Lucky bloody me!!!



In other news it is 3 more sleeps.... 3 MORE SLEEPS 3 MORE FRIKKING ASSED SLEEPS.... HOW EXCITING IS THAT!!!

Seriously this was the best plan ever... I mean... I spend my entire life wishing i was 16 again so I could go to school, hang out with my friends, mess about, have sleepover fun.... recreate bra narama!!! (ok so not my whole life but some of it). I want to get hocked up on sugar and alcohol and be a child all over again. I may need play doh. I seriously wish I could start a party planning business.... with themed parties a speciality... consider what I could do with money and resources!!! A bouncy castle ball pool? A giant paddling pool! An adventure playground like thing?!?!?! And then... a piss up... what a brilliant idea! Kate loves alcohol!

WoW... Sigh.... wish I was a billionaire. My parties would SO rock!!!

It's A Monday!!!

And I'm not at work. So therefore a brilliant start to another week!

Saturday was little Sis's birthday. Which I missed. Not my fault mind. She's in France with Mum and "George" so no doubt she's been having a lovely time. I still feel guilty though, as I always do when missing anything to do with Sarah because she's such a little monkey. Spoke to her on the day though and rather brilliantly she told me how old she was (usually a long battle around her birthday where we try to drill it into her that she's gone up another year for months before she finally starts telling people accurately) but this time the minute I asked "how old are you" she responded with "23" YAY SARAH! As usual she had no interest in telling me what she'd been doing, and all interest in what I was doing, but I managed to get a fewdetails out of her, such as she now has her wetsuit and hasn;t worn it in the pool just yet. Typical Sarah... Wuss to the end! Won't get in because it's "too cold" even when it's warm. It's all in her head bless her!

Got a lot to do today, got to continue sorting for the party.... the rush to fix the hoover is now seriously on and I may have to borrow next doors at this rate! Luckily the sun is shining so all the bedding I have been wanting to wash for it is now being washed! Wow it is so early for me to have done so much...

In other news I have been thinking a lot about what I want recently. I'm starting to feel like my life is failing a bit. I haven't got anywhere really in the direction I wanted so I'm wondering if this whole thing was a bad idea. Maybe I should move back to Grimsby? I've certainly been.... unsettled of late. I find it hard to relax, I'm not sleeping right etc etc etc...

For one.... I feel a little isolated. Like because I keep moving jobs I keep losing out on friends... I have plenty of epople I would consider my friend... but so many of them are... not reachable at times that suit me. Or are too far for my public transport reliant self to see regularly. Plus I feel like a burden on those who can drive as I am obviously a nuisance.

Secondly... I keep envisioning my life at 25 as 14 year old Kate saw it. 14 year old Kate was very specific. By now I had a rented flat.... (ok so instead I've bought a house.... perhaps one better?!?!?), I had a car, I had a career, I was certainly not single and drinking Sangria at 10am whilst wearing ratty pjs. I was going places... And I still hope that one day I will be. But I'm getting tired of fighting for everything and getting seemingly nothing.

Thirdly... I feel like everybody else I know is doing better than me at....well pretty much everything. Life, houses, relationships, jobs...

Fourthly.... my old self esteem is back to zero again.... I'm back to the "who would want me anyway" method of thinking. Traditionally I attract scum. I'm fed up of attracting scum.... so I am now refusing to bother with aforementioned scum... The upshot. I feel worse than before. Ick.... if even I wouldn't bother with me... what hope is there for anyone else wanting to bother. I have zero redeeming features. Lucky old me. I'll probably give in in a few years and marry some random chav with no job and spend the rest of my life being used for money (wouldn't that make a change?!?!? NOT) and desperately miserable.

The only real issue with all this, other than the fact I'm permenantly a bit sad, is that I have old itchy feet syndrome again.... everytime my life starts to come apart at the seems I do something peculiar. Like dropping out of Uni, Running off to Vegas, moving back to Sheffield in the space of a couple of days.... the only probelm now is that I own this damn house. So I'm not free anymore. *sigh*

I wish I could have gone to France. I think I actually NEED a holiday. They always make me feel so much better. Remove the stress from me. Allow me to order my thoughts etc etc etc. Give me alone time with myself. I want to lay in the long grass in the bottom field, with a good book and feel the sunshine... I could do that in my back garden right now. But it's not private, I want to be entirely alone and away from every other person. The house in France is PERFECT for that. Ah well...

Reading back I seem to have just gone from happy to depressed... hmmm... mood swings! Exciting. Another favourable characteristic of mine.

Any hoo.... I am so excited about next weekend it is unreal. I hope it doesn't go all Pete Tong. I have nasty images of everybody cancelling on me at the last minute and me sitting alone eating a 14 inch pizza, wearing an eye patch and spending the night talking to my hamsters(No doubt aided by a certain friend who keeps telling me nobody will come... direct address of my biggest fears... thanks!). This is the main reason I tend to avoid planning events/ nights out and would much rather attend other peoples. If other people organise it and it fails... I can feel like it's not my fault! Mind you.... on the plus side. If they do all cancel on me then at least I have the weekend to myself with no boys in the house. so either way... a great success for me! I'm hoping my liver is up the challenge!!! I'm also hoping that certain people don;t feel the need to be too critical of me in a dress...., otherwise I shall just go home again!

An angry moment

I feel angry. Actually right now I feel calm. But I was angry. Very angry.

Today we had the meeting about my sisters future. Set out a life plan for her and everything. Firstly, my Dad appears to have no intention of appearing. He says it's becasue my Mum said it might not be a good idea for too many people to be there. Personally... If it were me I'd say Fuck that. I'm her father. Apparently not. However he attends.

He then spends the next... 1 hr 45 hardly saying anything. We're asked things like "what does SD like to do", "what friends does SD have", "does SD still want to live at home?". I get involved, Mum gets involved even her college tutor gets involved. Nothing. I generall get the impression he thinkis its some kind of hippy crap but I see a point. At the end of it we are all meant to offer a commitment to SD. It may be "I will take her swimming every Thursday" or "I promise I will make more time to listen to her" Stupid stuff... but promising it out loud in front of a room full of people makes it more pro active. Like it's more likely to happen.Nothing.

I make my promise to her, that I will make arrangements with whatever job I end up in next to have at least one regular weekend off a month so that I can come here, or she can come to me. His response "Well with demands like that I wouldn't employ you".

Firstly.... i wasn't going to walk in, stamp my feet and demand anything. I was going to explain the situation and ask nicely. Once I have the job and have been in it for a little while to show them my worth. I tend to find that if you explain and ask nicely very few employers are going to say no, especially when you prove that you're worth it. I've never been sacked. And although towards the end at Phones 4 U I wasn't exactly employee of the month I was so fucking miserble being in that soul sucking sales environment that I felt like just rolling over and dying half the time. I hate sales. I want to help people. Not screw them for every penny. (apart from the tossers) Every other job I have had, the staff and bosses have been sorry to see me go. I know I am a good employee. I turn up on time, I do my job, I don't take the piss with sick days or holidays. I don't make demands. I would be asking for one thing. Just like the weekend Dad or Mum who only has their kids every other weekend. Only I'm just asking for one a month... and hell... if I was ever asked to work it because they were understaffed, of COURSE I would. Just as long as generally I could have them for her.

Secondly, with the troubles I am having finding a new job that is exactly what I wanted to hear, that my own fricking father wouldn't employ me. Thanks Dad. No wonder he left without making a promise to her.

So it ended up me shouting at my Dad, and him asking me how I dare talk to him like that. Quite simple. You may be my Dad, but if you want my respect treating me like a petulant stupid 5 year old is NOT the way to go about it.

I am so... livid. SD is more than just my sister, she's.... well it's hard to describe. She's as much my responsibility as she is my Mums. I want the best for her. I love her. I miss not being near her when I'm away in Sheffield, and I worry about her. GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR

Anyway... now I'm on IT support duty making her PC more SD friendly. Removing stupid windows password prompt, making iot more XP in style, and installing Bob the Builder, Fimbles and 101 Dalmations games for her.

Hopefully she'll like it. More likley I'll get a gobful for being on her PC! NVM eh!

My old blog...

This one goes back... approx 4 years now. To roughly when I split with the creature formerly known as Owen. It's a bit random and depressive but I think generally not offensive so I linked it to this one. If you go way way back... there's my original Zombie Contingency plan!

http://katestwistedpants.spaces.live.com/default.aspx

Wondering about privacy?

I have no idea what I am doing. I just joined twitter and now I have a blog... woooo.... not the first time *sigh*

Invariably what I'll do is write for a while, religiously almost, and then real life will take over again. I already know I won't write anything for the next 4 days as I'm going home to Grimsby.

What concerns me slightly is privacy... with hindsight I shuld have created a new unidentifiable name so that nobody who came across this would ever know what I was wittering on about. Unless I let them know it was me. DAMNIT! Guess this will have to "go public".

Anyhoo.... today is another working day... as you can tell so far it is highly productive! I filled in a spreadsheet and then appeared to run out of work to do... so I am sat entertaining myself and singing along to painted black that the steel workers downstairs are listening to.

I don't know where I am at present. I'm confused I think. Recently I've started feeling happy again. I say recently I mean in the ast year or so, but these last few months have mostly like I've been high on glue or something (not that I've ever been high on glue, it might not be like this feeling at all). So happy has to be good right? But what if I'm happy without foundation? What if the things that are making me happy... are not a reality?
As an example consider this, you find out that you have a new job/ have won the lottery / the man of your dreams (or woman) has confessed their undying love to you you're happy right. I mean really ecstatic! What if you didn't actually get the job and some confused receptionist had muddled up your forms, what if you misread the lottery numbers, what if the man of your dreams was drunk and in reality was just about to marry some other girl?
I feel like my happiness is based on a figment of my immagintion, one of those clouds in the sky which when seen from an airoplane window looks solid like you could walk right out there and into the sun, but if you left the plane and tried you'd sink right through and fall to your death.

Then again, maybe it's better for me to lie to myself to make myself happy than face the reality and drown? It may not last forever, but maybe it will last long enough that something genuine does come along and make me smile.

I suppose the third option, the rank outsider is that the things in my head, they are all true. They're just maybe going to take some time to come to fruition. In this senario, I win, but maybe not, because once you're actually happy and have what you want, sometimes all you can think about is how close you seem to come to potentially losing it.

I would like to point out. I am not a manic depressive. I have a pessimistic kind of optimism thing going on inside me, I'm generally optimistic that everything will work out, but question me one one particular aspect and I can give you an instant list of all the things that could, have and will go wrong!

I don't think anyone really knows the real me. Everybody gets a very different facade, which is why I fear events where groups of people clash (do not know what prompted my 25th birthday thing and it is far too late to back out of now and I am sort of looking forward to it). When I was seeing KS he used to bitch about the fact I didn't want to particularly socialise all the time with his friends (mostly because they're all really twatish people/ morons - I mean please... why would I want to spend my time with somebody who is too lazy to get a job and wears the same pants 4 days running???). Luckily KS is an internet virgin really, he knows where the knobs and buttons are to make things happen, but has no idea what to press, when to press it and how hard to touch it. ;) so I have zero fear of him finding this and abusing me with it. Anyway, people think they know, SP for example (as I have had this convo with him) thinks he knows, and yes, he knows a hell of a lot, almost as much as KH although some things he knows are completely different to things that KH knows. I don't however think any of them understand how I think, my way of thinking seems to be much more round about the houses. And now I have brain ache.

Anyhoo... should be a good weekend. Will be seeing AL, DW, RN, and no doubt a few others I haven't seen for a time. Then of course theres the excitment of seeing the best of the bunch KH and the lovely AC (as she has become) and KB... and I shall officially be making my debut as a member of the fairer sex... whereas usually I'm some troll like leviathan stood near the back swilling lager. The last resort for the MH's of this World who will always settle for the left overs if nothing better is available. Not that I think my last resort standing will be upped. I just think that there may be less alcohol required for them to consider it as an option. Maybe!

I am a little worried about tomorrow ams meeting. This is new territory for me. I have lived with SD being autistic all my life, but I haven't really seen the other side of it, the meetings, the doctors, the stresses of dealing with trying to find a source of entertainment for her, of trying to provide her with a future. If I could give up part of me to her I would. Not the crazy bits, she has plenty of those already and I believe thats a genetic thing that all of us have, but if I could be... less intelligent say, and give her more independence I would. I think people assume, that because she's the age she is, and because autism isn't a physical thing, that it's somehow easier to deal with. I don't know whether or not that's true. But I know it isn't easy, with a lot of kids you can yuse the power of reason. Do this and I will take you out. Don't do that or I'll take this away from you. It doesn't work with SD. Sometimes though... I envy her, just a little. I think a week where the days aren't Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday but pink, blue, and green must be far more interesting. I would love to say No! to anything I don't feel like doing and to find entertainment from silly noises... HELL I do find entertainment from silly noises! I would love to still have that feeling where you don't worry about your job, your mortgage, your relationships and friends, it just all comes. Bless her! I think I should take her for a milkshake OR SOMETHING (My sisters favourite saying is or something. it goes on the end of every sentence, spend a week with her and you'll find yourself saying it constantly).

Anyway... finished venting now. I shall try and find some work to do!

WOOT!