It's A Monday!!!

And I'm not at work. So therefore a brilliant start to another week!

Saturday was little Sis's birthday. Which I missed. Not my fault mind. She's in France with Mum and "George" so no doubt she's been having a lovely time. I still feel guilty though, as I always do when missing anything to do with Sarah because she's such a little monkey. Spoke to her on the day though and rather brilliantly she told me how old she was (usually a long battle around her birthday where we try to drill it into her that she's gone up another year for months before she finally starts telling people accurately) but this time the minute I asked "how old are you" she responded with "23" YAY SARAH! As usual she had no interest in telling me what she'd been doing, and all interest in what I was doing, but I managed to get a fewdetails out of her, such as she now has her wetsuit and hasn;t worn it in the pool just yet. Typical Sarah... Wuss to the end! Won't get in because it's "too cold" even when it's warm. It's all in her head bless her!

Got a lot to do today, got to continue sorting for the party.... the rush to fix the hoover is now seriously on and I may have to borrow next doors at this rate! Luckily the sun is shining so all the bedding I have been wanting to wash for it is now being washed! Wow it is so early for me to have done so much...

In other news I have been thinking a lot about what I want recently. I'm starting to feel like my life is failing a bit. I haven't got anywhere really in the direction I wanted so I'm wondering if this whole thing was a bad idea. Maybe I should move back to Grimsby? I've certainly been.... unsettled of late. I find it hard to relax, I'm not sleeping right etc etc etc...

For one.... I feel a little isolated. Like because I keep moving jobs I keep losing out on friends... I have plenty of epople I would consider my friend... but so many of them are... not reachable at times that suit me. Or are too far for my public transport reliant self to see regularly. Plus I feel like a burden on those who can drive as I am obviously a nuisance.

Secondly... I keep envisioning my life at 25 as 14 year old Kate saw it. 14 year old Kate was very specific. By now I had a rented flat.... (ok so instead I've bought a house.... perhaps one better?!?!?), I had a car, I had a career, I was certainly not single and drinking Sangria at 10am whilst wearing ratty pjs. I was going places... And I still hope that one day I will be. But I'm getting tired of fighting for everything and getting seemingly nothing.

Thirdly... I feel like everybody else I know is doing better than me at....well pretty much everything. Life, houses, relationships, jobs...

Fourthly.... my old self esteem is back to zero again.... I'm back to the "who would want me anyway" method of thinking. Traditionally I attract scum. I'm fed up of attracting scum.... so I am now refusing to bother with aforementioned scum... The upshot. I feel worse than before. Ick.... if even I wouldn't bother with me... what hope is there for anyone else wanting to bother. I have zero redeeming features. Lucky old me. I'll probably give in in a few years and marry some random chav with no job and spend the rest of my life being used for money (wouldn't that make a change?!?!? NOT) and desperately miserable.

The only real issue with all this, other than the fact I'm permenantly a bit sad, is that I have old itchy feet syndrome again.... everytime my life starts to come apart at the seems I do something peculiar. Like dropping out of Uni, Running off to Vegas, moving back to Sheffield in the space of a couple of days.... the only probelm now is that I own this damn house. So I'm not free anymore. *sigh*

I wish I could have gone to France. I think I actually NEED a holiday. They always make me feel so much better. Remove the stress from me. Allow me to order my thoughts etc etc etc. Give me alone time with myself. I want to lay in the long grass in the bottom field, with a good book and feel the sunshine... I could do that in my back garden right now. But it's not private, I want to be entirely alone and away from every other person. The house in France is PERFECT for that. Ah well...

Reading back I seem to have just gone from happy to depressed... hmmm... mood swings! Exciting. Another favourable characteristic of mine.

Any hoo.... I am so excited about next weekend it is unreal. I hope it doesn't go all Pete Tong. I have nasty images of everybody cancelling on me at the last minute and me sitting alone eating a 14 inch pizza, wearing an eye patch and spending the night talking to my hamsters(No doubt aided by a certain friend who keeps telling me nobody will come... direct address of my biggest fears... thanks!). This is the main reason I tend to avoid planning events/ nights out and would much rather attend other peoples. If other people organise it and it fails... I can feel like it's not my fault! Mind you.... on the plus side. If they do all cancel on me then at least I have the weekend to myself with no boys in the house. so either way... a great success for me! I'm hoping my liver is up the challenge!!! I'm also hoping that certain people don;t feel the need to be too critical of me in a dress...., otherwise I shall just go home again!