How to lose friends and alienate yourself

Well, today I feel terrible. Not least because I am basically a sack of varying alcoholic beverages on legs combined with a bit of chocolate cake.

My birthday weekend... for the first bit went well. My fears of people not coming were unfounded and we had full turn out for the sleepover. I got lots of lovely gifts which were unexpected really as I didn't intend for people to bring anything other than themselves.... And because everyone pretty much brought some alcohol with them... I now have a fridge full of wine etc. Usually this would be a great thing... However I think I'm swearing off the old vino for a bit because I'm a twat.... more to come on that later.

We played dream phone.... did flames (ha ha ha) to varying degrees of success as it appears to be complicated to explain and played atmosphere. We also had Rainbow Dust eating competitions, flump eating ones and made a variety of interesting drinks! All in all A great night full of mucking about like teenagers again, we even had posters of Geri Halliwell and Craig David up for authenticity!

Following that we got up the next day, ate crumpets and went into city for a shop and a wander before coming back to rather lately get ready.

I have decided that I drink too much... I could write about hwat happened on the night out. But seeing as I remember nothing about it.... whats the point! All i know is I made a tit of myself. Completely. I think the nerves of the groups of people meeting got the better of me... I kno thats why I intentionally got the shots going straight away. Beyond that.... well... *shrugs*

All I know is that my very best friend was offended.... my best friend in sheffield isn't talking to me and my friend who travelled over 250 miles to be here was also incredibly pissed off with me. Good going me! I don't know how to put it right... because other than morphing into uber bitch I haven't a clue what I really did. Since I put them all on a train earlier I've pretty much cried non stop. I ruined my own birthday celebrations. I feel like shit. And the friendships that mean the World to me are pretty much in tatters. I have no way of making amends. Even if I am forgiven it will not be forgotten and what worries me is that things will never be the same again. What upsets me most is... that isn't me. I'm not a bitch... not really... yeah I can sometimes be a bit of a cow with people that I don't like and I sometimes struggle with new people. But it's not me. Is it? I hope not.

So for the time being I have sworn off alcohol... which is probably a good idea anyway as I have been drinking a lot recently and at stupid times... i.e 10.30 am... and drinking on my own.... Which I've been putting down to stress ( also found 3 grey hairs recently wich is either very worrying or does indicate stress) but no more excuses.

I wish I could rewind time. I think I'm going to go to bed now and cry... a bit more.