Well, today I feel terrible. Not least because I am basically a sack of varying alcoholic beverages on legs combined with a bit of chocolate cake.
My birthday weekend... for the first bit went well. My fears of people not coming were unfounded and we had full turn out for the sleepover. I got lots of lovely gifts which were unexpected really as I didn't intend for people to bring anything other than themselves.... And because everyone pretty much brought some alcohol with them... I now have a fridge full of wine etc. Usually this would be a great thing... However I think I'm swearing off the old vino for a bit because I'm a twat.... more to come on that later.
We played dream phone.... did flames (ha ha ha) to varying degrees of success as it appears to be complicated to explain and played atmosphere. We also had Rainbow Dust eating competitions, flump eating ones and made a variety of interesting drinks! All in all A great night full of mucking about like teenagers again, we even had posters of Geri Halliwell and Craig David up for authenticity!
Following that we got up the next day, ate crumpets and went into city for a shop and a wander before coming back to rather lately get ready.
I have decided that I drink too much... I could write about hwat happened on the night out. But seeing as I remember nothing about it.... whats the point! All i know is I made a tit of myself. Completely. I think the nerves of the groups of people meeting got the better of me... I kno thats why I intentionally got the shots going straight away. Beyond that.... well... *shrugs*
All I know is that my very best friend was offended.... my best friend in sheffield isn't talking to me and my friend who travelled over 250 miles to be here was also incredibly pissed off with me. Good going me! I don't know how to put it right... because other than morphing into uber bitch I haven't a clue what I really did. Since I put them all on a train earlier I've pretty much cried non stop. I ruined my own birthday celebrations. I feel like shit. And the friendships that mean the World to me are pretty much in tatters. I have no way of making amends. Even if I am forgiven it will not be forgotten and what worries me is that things will never be the same again. What upsets me most is... that isn't me. I'm not a bitch... not really... yeah I can sometimes be a bit of a cow with people that I don't like and I sometimes struggle with new people. But it's not me. Is it? I hope not.
So for the time being I have sworn off alcohol... which is probably a good idea anyway as I have been drinking a lot recently and at stupid times... i.e 10.30 am... and drinking on my own.... Which I've been putting down to stress ( also found 3 grey hairs recently wich is either very worrying or does indicate stress) but no more excuses.
I wish I could rewind time. I think I'm going to go to bed now and cry... a bit more.
Sunday 31 May 2009
Tuesday 26 May 2009
Party Time Countdown and Time Travel.
So.... i read the Time Travellers Wife. So... Wow. Seriously. I am now.... obsessed.
For those of you who have never read or heard of the book... go out and buy it! Basically it's about a couple. Clare and Henry. Henry involuntarily time travels. Clare stays put. There is 8 years of age between them, but Clare first meets henry when he travel's back in time and bumps into her at age 6, whereas he is in his 40's. He first meets her, when he is 28 and she is 20.
BAsically the upshot is that early on in life she works out that Henry is "her" guy. And every now and then she gets hints about the future and what it will hold. I am so friggin jealous. I would love to see myself in ten years. Am I still fat? Have I got kids? Am I married? Do I own a nice house and drive a nice car, or am I renting in some shit hole? Just to know. Sigh.... Wow.... Brilliantly amazing. I have very little patience it should be pointed out. I want everything right this second now.... and I want to play out my entire life in maybe a 3 hour stint. SO I get it all.
On another note.... how many random times can Will Smith pop up on my TV in one day? Seriously.... this is about the eighth time hes popped up today all in different programs... freaky. I think Will Smith is stalking me. Lucky bloody me!!!
In other news it is 3 more sleeps.... 3 MORE SLEEPS 3 MORE FRIKKING ASSED SLEEPS.... HOW EXCITING IS THAT!!!
Seriously this was the best plan ever... I mean... I spend my entire life wishing i was 16 again so I could go to school, hang out with my friends, mess about, have sleepover fun.... recreate bra narama!!! (ok so not my whole life but some of it). I want to get hocked up on sugar and alcohol and be a child all over again. I may need play doh. I seriously wish I could start a party planning business.... with themed parties a speciality... consider what I could do with money and resources!!! A bouncy castle ball pool? A giant paddling pool! An adventure playground like thing?!?!?! And then... a piss up... what a brilliant idea! Kate loves alcohol!
WoW... Sigh.... wish I was a billionaire. My parties would SO rock!!!
For those of you who have never read or heard of the book... go out and buy it! Basically it's about a couple. Clare and Henry. Henry involuntarily time travels. Clare stays put. There is 8 years of age between them, but Clare first meets henry when he travel's back in time and bumps into her at age 6, whereas he is in his 40's. He first meets her, when he is 28 and she is 20.
BAsically the upshot is that early on in life she works out that Henry is "her" guy. And every now and then she gets hints about the future and what it will hold. I am so friggin jealous. I would love to see myself in ten years. Am I still fat? Have I got kids? Am I married? Do I own a nice house and drive a nice car, or am I renting in some shit hole? Just to know. Sigh.... Wow.... Brilliantly amazing. I have very little patience it should be pointed out. I want everything right this second now.... and I want to play out my entire life in maybe a 3 hour stint. SO I get it all.
On another note.... how many random times can Will Smith pop up on my TV in one day? Seriously.... this is about the eighth time hes popped up today all in different programs... freaky. I think Will Smith is stalking me. Lucky bloody me!!!
In other news it is 3 more sleeps.... 3 MORE SLEEPS 3 MORE FRIKKING ASSED SLEEPS.... HOW EXCITING IS THAT!!!
Seriously this was the best plan ever... I mean... I spend my entire life wishing i was 16 again so I could go to school, hang out with my friends, mess about, have sleepover fun.... recreate bra narama!!! (ok so not my whole life but some of it). I want to get hocked up on sugar and alcohol and be a child all over again. I may need play doh. I seriously wish I could start a party planning business.... with themed parties a speciality... consider what I could do with money and resources!!! A bouncy castle ball pool? A giant paddling pool! An adventure playground like thing?!?!?! And then... a piss up... what a brilliant idea! Kate loves alcohol!
WoW... Sigh.... wish I was a billionaire. My parties would SO rock!!!
Monday 25 May 2009
It's A Monday!!!
And I'm not at work. So therefore a brilliant start to another week!
Saturday was little Sis's birthday. Which I missed. Not my fault mind. She's in France with Mum and "George" so no doubt she's been having a lovely time. I still feel guilty though, as I always do when missing anything to do with Sarah because she's such a little monkey. Spoke to her on the day though and rather brilliantly she told me how old she was (usually a long battle around her birthday where we try to drill it into her that she's gone up another year for months before she finally starts telling people accurately) but this time the minute I asked "how old are you" she responded with "23" YAY SARAH! As usual she had no interest in telling me what she'd been doing, and all interest in what I was doing, but I managed to get a fewdetails out of her, such as she now has her wetsuit and hasn;t worn it in the pool just yet. Typical Sarah... Wuss to the end! Won't get in because it's "too cold" even when it's warm. It's all in her head bless her!
Got a lot to do today, got to continue sorting for the party.... the rush to fix the hoover is now seriously on and I may have to borrow next doors at this rate! Luckily the sun is shining so all the bedding I have been wanting to wash for it is now being washed! Wow it is so early for me to have done so much...
In other news I have been thinking a lot about what I want recently. I'm starting to feel like my life is failing a bit. I haven't got anywhere really in the direction I wanted so I'm wondering if this whole thing was a bad idea. Maybe I should move back to Grimsby? I've certainly been.... unsettled of late. I find it hard to relax, I'm not sleeping right etc etc etc...
For one.... I feel a little isolated. Like because I keep moving jobs I keep losing out on friends... I have plenty of epople I would consider my friend... but so many of them are... not reachable at times that suit me. Or are too far for my public transport reliant self to see regularly. Plus I feel like a burden on those who can drive as I am obviously a nuisance.
Secondly... I keep envisioning my life at 25 as 14 year old Kate saw it. 14 year old Kate was very specific. By now I had a rented flat.... (ok so instead I've bought a house.... perhaps one better?!?!?), I had a car, I had a career, I was certainly not single and drinking Sangria at 10am whilst wearing ratty pjs. I was going places... And I still hope that one day I will be. But I'm getting tired of fighting for everything and getting seemingly nothing.
Thirdly... I feel like everybody else I know is doing better than me at....well pretty much everything. Life, houses, relationships, jobs...
Fourthly.... my old self esteem is back to zero again.... I'm back to the "who would want me anyway" method of thinking. Traditionally I attract scum. I'm fed up of attracting scum.... so I am now refusing to bother with aforementioned scum... The upshot. I feel worse than before. Ick.... if even I wouldn't bother with me... what hope is there for anyone else wanting to bother. I have zero redeeming features. Lucky old me. I'll probably give in in a few years and marry some random chav with no job and spend the rest of my life being used for money (wouldn't that make a change?!?!? NOT) and desperately miserable.
The only real issue with all this, other than the fact I'm permenantly a bit sad, is that I have old itchy feet syndrome again.... everytime my life starts to come apart at the seems I do something peculiar. Like dropping out of Uni, Running off to Vegas, moving back to Sheffield in the space of a couple of days.... the only probelm now is that I own this damn house. So I'm not free anymore. *sigh*
I wish I could have gone to France. I think I actually NEED a holiday. They always make me feel so much better. Remove the stress from me. Allow me to order my thoughts etc etc etc. Give me alone time with myself. I want to lay in the long grass in the bottom field, with a good book and feel the sunshine... I could do that in my back garden right now. But it's not private, I want to be entirely alone and away from every other person. The house in France is PERFECT for that. Ah well...
Reading back I seem to have just gone from happy to depressed... hmmm... mood swings! Exciting. Another favourable characteristic of mine.
Any hoo.... I am so excited about next weekend it is unreal. I hope it doesn't go all Pete Tong. I have nasty images of everybody cancelling on me at the last minute and me sitting alone eating a 14 inch pizza, wearing an eye patch and spending the night talking to my hamsters(No doubt aided by a certain friend who keeps telling me nobody will come... direct address of my biggest fears... thanks!). This is the main reason I tend to avoid planning events/ nights out and would much rather attend other peoples. If other people organise it and it fails... I can feel like it's not my fault! Mind you.... on the plus side. If they do all cancel on me then at least I have the weekend to myself with no boys in the house. so either way... a great success for me! I'm hoping my liver is up the challenge!!! I'm also hoping that certain people don;t feel the need to be too critical of me in a dress...., otherwise I shall just go home again!
Saturday was little Sis's birthday. Which I missed. Not my fault mind. She's in France with Mum and "George" so no doubt she's been having a lovely time. I still feel guilty though, as I always do when missing anything to do with Sarah because she's such a little monkey. Spoke to her on the day though and rather brilliantly she told me how old she was (usually a long battle around her birthday where we try to drill it into her that she's gone up another year for months before she finally starts telling people accurately) but this time the minute I asked "how old are you" she responded with "23" YAY SARAH! As usual she had no interest in telling me what she'd been doing, and all interest in what I was doing, but I managed to get a fewdetails out of her, such as she now has her wetsuit and hasn;t worn it in the pool just yet. Typical Sarah... Wuss to the end! Won't get in because it's "too cold" even when it's warm. It's all in her head bless her!
Got a lot to do today, got to continue sorting for the party.... the rush to fix the hoover is now seriously on and I may have to borrow next doors at this rate! Luckily the sun is shining so all the bedding I have been wanting to wash for it is now being washed! Wow it is so early for me to have done so much...
In other news I have been thinking a lot about what I want recently. I'm starting to feel like my life is failing a bit. I haven't got anywhere really in the direction I wanted so I'm wondering if this whole thing was a bad idea. Maybe I should move back to Grimsby? I've certainly been.... unsettled of late. I find it hard to relax, I'm not sleeping right etc etc etc...
For one.... I feel a little isolated. Like because I keep moving jobs I keep losing out on friends... I have plenty of epople I would consider my friend... but so many of them are... not reachable at times that suit me. Or are too far for my public transport reliant self to see regularly. Plus I feel like a burden on those who can drive as I am obviously a nuisance.
Secondly... I keep envisioning my life at 25 as 14 year old Kate saw it. 14 year old Kate was very specific. By now I had a rented flat.... (ok so instead I've bought a house.... perhaps one better?!?!?), I had a car, I had a career, I was certainly not single and drinking Sangria at 10am whilst wearing ratty pjs. I was going places... And I still hope that one day I will be. But I'm getting tired of fighting for everything and getting seemingly nothing.
Thirdly... I feel like everybody else I know is doing better than me at....well pretty much everything. Life, houses, relationships, jobs...
Fourthly.... my old self esteem is back to zero again.... I'm back to the "who would want me anyway" method of thinking. Traditionally I attract scum. I'm fed up of attracting scum.... so I am now refusing to bother with aforementioned scum... The upshot. I feel worse than before. Ick.... if even I wouldn't bother with me... what hope is there for anyone else wanting to bother. I have zero redeeming features. Lucky old me. I'll probably give in in a few years and marry some random chav with no job and spend the rest of my life being used for money (wouldn't that make a change?!?!? NOT) and desperately miserable.
The only real issue with all this, other than the fact I'm permenantly a bit sad, is that I have old itchy feet syndrome again.... everytime my life starts to come apart at the seems I do something peculiar. Like dropping out of Uni, Running off to Vegas, moving back to Sheffield in the space of a couple of days.... the only probelm now is that I own this damn house. So I'm not free anymore. *sigh*
I wish I could have gone to France. I think I actually NEED a holiday. They always make me feel so much better. Remove the stress from me. Allow me to order my thoughts etc etc etc. Give me alone time with myself. I want to lay in the long grass in the bottom field, with a good book and feel the sunshine... I could do that in my back garden right now. But it's not private, I want to be entirely alone and away from every other person. The house in France is PERFECT for that. Ah well...
Reading back I seem to have just gone from happy to depressed... hmmm... mood swings! Exciting. Another favourable characteristic of mine.
Any hoo.... I am so excited about next weekend it is unreal. I hope it doesn't go all Pete Tong. I have nasty images of everybody cancelling on me at the last minute and me sitting alone eating a 14 inch pizza, wearing an eye patch and spending the night talking to my hamsters(No doubt aided by a certain friend who keeps telling me nobody will come... direct address of my biggest fears... thanks!). This is the main reason I tend to avoid planning events/ nights out and would much rather attend other peoples. If other people organise it and it fails... I can feel like it's not my fault! Mind you.... on the plus side. If they do all cancel on me then at least I have the weekend to myself with no boys in the house. so either way... a great success for me! I'm hoping my liver is up the challenge!!! I'm also hoping that certain people don;t feel the need to be too critical of me in a dress...., otherwise I shall just go home again!
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