Wondering about privacy?

I have no idea what I am doing. I just joined twitter and now I have a blog... woooo.... not the first time *sigh*

Invariably what I'll do is write for a while, religiously almost, and then real life will take over again. I already know I won't write anything for the next 4 days as I'm going home to Grimsby.

What concerns me slightly is privacy... with hindsight I shuld have created a new unidentifiable name so that nobody who came across this would ever know what I was wittering on about. Unless I let them know it was me. DAMNIT! Guess this will have to "go public".

Anyhoo.... today is another working day... as you can tell so far it is highly productive! I filled in a spreadsheet and then appeared to run out of work to do... so I am sat entertaining myself and singing along to painted black that the steel workers downstairs are listening to.

I don't know where I am at present. I'm confused I think. Recently I've started feeling happy again. I say recently I mean in the ast year or so, but these last few months have mostly like I've been high on glue or something (not that I've ever been high on glue, it might not be like this feeling at all). So happy has to be good right? But what if I'm happy without foundation? What if the things that are making me happy... are not a reality?
As an example consider this, you find out that you have a new job/ have won the lottery / the man of your dreams (or woman) has confessed their undying love to you you're happy right. I mean really ecstatic! What if you didn't actually get the job and some confused receptionist had muddled up your forms, what if you misread the lottery numbers, what if the man of your dreams was drunk and in reality was just about to marry some other girl?
I feel like my happiness is based on a figment of my immagintion, one of those clouds in the sky which when seen from an airoplane window looks solid like you could walk right out there and into the sun, but if you left the plane and tried you'd sink right through and fall to your death.

Then again, maybe it's better for me to lie to myself to make myself happy than face the reality and drown? It may not last forever, but maybe it will last long enough that something genuine does come along and make me smile.

I suppose the third option, the rank outsider is that the things in my head, they are all true. They're just maybe going to take some time to come to fruition. In this senario, I win, but maybe not, because once you're actually happy and have what you want, sometimes all you can think about is how close you seem to come to potentially losing it.

I would like to point out. I am not a manic depressive. I have a pessimistic kind of optimism thing going on inside me, I'm generally optimistic that everything will work out, but question me one one particular aspect and I can give you an instant list of all the things that could, have and will go wrong!

I don't think anyone really knows the real me. Everybody gets a very different facade, which is why I fear events where groups of people clash (do not know what prompted my 25th birthday thing and it is far too late to back out of now and I am sort of looking forward to it). When I was seeing KS he used to bitch about the fact I didn't want to particularly socialise all the time with his friends (mostly because they're all really twatish people/ morons - I mean please... why would I want to spend my time with somebody who is too lazy to get a job and wears the same pants 4 days running???). Luckily KS is an internet virgin really, he knows where the knobs and buttons are to make things happen, but has no idea what to press, when to press it and how hard to touch it. ;) so I have zero fear of him finding this and abusing me with it. Anyway, people think they know, SP for example (as I have had this convo with him) thinks he knows, and yes, he knows a hell of a lot, almost as much as KH although some things he knows are completely different to things that KH knows. I don't however think any of them understand how I think, my way of thinking seems to be much more round about the houses. And now I have brain ache.

Anyhoo... should be a good weekend. Will be seeing AL, DW, RN, and no doubt a few others I haven't seen for a time. Then of course theres the excitment of seeing the best of the bunch KH and the lovely AC (as she has become) and KB... and I shall officially be making my debut as a member of the fairer sex... whereas usually I'm some troll like leviathan stood near the back swilling lager. The last resort for the MH's of this World who will always settle for the left overs if nothing better is available. Not that I think my last resort standing will be upped. I just think that there may be less alcohol required for them to consider it as an option. Maybe!

I am a little worried about tomorrow ams meeting. This is new territory for me. I have lived with SD being autistic all my life, but I haven't really seen the other side of it, the meetings, the doctors, the stresses of dealing with trying to find a source of entertainment for her, of trying to provide her with a future. If I could give up part of me to her I would. Not the crazy bits, she has plenty of those already and I believe thats a genetic thing that all of us have, but if I could be... less intelligent say, and give her more independence I would. I think people assume, that because she's the age she is, and because autism isn't a physical thing, that it's somehow easier to deal with. I don't know whether or not that's true. But I know it isn't easy, with a lot of kids you can yuse the power of reason. Do this and I will take you out. Don't do that or I'll take this away from you. It doesn't work with SD. Sometimes though... I envy her, just a little. I think a week where the days aren't Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday but pink, blue, and green must be far more interesting. I would love to say No! to anything I don't feel like doing and to find entertainment from silly noises... HELL I do find entertainment from silly noises! I would love to still have that feeling where you don't worry about your job, your mortgage, your relationships and friends, it just all comes. Bless her! I think I should take her for a milkshake OR SOMETHING (My sisters favourite saying is or something. it goes on the end of every sentence, spend a week with her and you'll find yourself saying it constantly).

Anyway... finished venting now. I shall try and find some work to do!

WOOT!